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How did I get here?

August 29, 2012

Do you ever ask yourself that?

I’m standing on my porch, looking out at the horizon, watching all sorts of things happen: cars on the highway, the train in the distance. I hear cars, a baby, a dog. There’s at least two children laughing.  Another car drives slowly up the hill. Someone is making dinner, and it smells delicious.

And there are all these people going somewhere.

So I am here, in my very quiet house. Michael is out. When I’m alone, I like things very quiet. No television, sometimes no music. I took a very long bath in my lovely whirlpool bathtub. This was the first time I’ve used it for something other than a post-long run ice bath. After that, I brought my lemon water out to the porch to see about it all.

I have a really difficult time getting my feet and head in the same place. I am trying. I am a work in progress.

I look around at this pretty little life and I wonder: how did I get here? Are you sure this is my life? I think of myself as forever 17. I feel very close to the girl who, many years ago in her first apartment, was so broke, couldn’t afford silverware (and sometimes even plastic spoons). Once, very hungry and without utensils, I ate a pudding cup with my finger.

Now, I have this kitchen I love to cook in, with all the amenities I could need, and more than enough spoons. I am humble and grateful and blessed. And I miss my father so much, I ache. He would love this.

This past weekend, we were fortunate enough to go to a really intimate (read: backyard setting) folk concert at Kiva House featuring Ellis Paul, Flynn and Antje Duvekot. Both Michael and I love live music, and I am particularly a fan of folk music. Antje was completely unassuming. She was sitting right in front of me while Ellis was singing, and then he called her up to sing with him. I loved her sound instantly.

Right now, this seems most appropriate. I hope you love it too.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. August 30, 2012 6:29 pm

    I love this entry. I’m in the very same place – I often wonder how I got exactly where I am. I then panic that maybe I’ve been sleepwalking a little bit, not paying as close attention as I should be to the journey. I’m still undecided on it but at the present moment I am happy and grateful and I think that helps a lot.

    • August 30, 2012 9:19 pm

      Thank you for that. I don’t usually post anything deep, but it’s been on my mind lately. I completely understand, re: the sleepwalking. Parallel lives, I tell ya.

  2. Tiffany permalink
    September 4, 2012 2:07 pm

    Love Antje. Do you guys ever go to subrosa at the lizard lounge? All the best of Boston folk, Auston Nevins, Antje, Rose Polenzani, Chris O’Brien, etc.

    • September 4, 2012 2:13 pm

      Never have – but thanks so much for the rec! We are going to check it out for sure. That sounds awesome.

  3. September 5, 2012 2:44 pm

    thanks for the kind words about Antje – her album New Siberia comes out Sept 18th – happy to share a link to it in advance for you…just email me. she kicks off her U.S. tour with three nights at Passim this weekend (Sept 7, 8 & 9). The Sept 7 & 8 shows are SOLD OUT (we may now add a second show on Saturday). All three nights will be webcast via – (there is a $5 fee)

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